Well today I found more lies in my past. The reason I haven't tried harder in the past to contact Lorna and Ian was so I didn't upset my dad. Today I discovered the reason he might have been upset was a lie.
How sad is that?
Sunday, 9 January 2011
Saturday, 8 January 2011
?
Thinking about June's message has made me realise that no matter what time in your life you think about, other people see you differently from the way you see yourself.
That doesn't mean your worse or better than they think just different. It also shows you that (my best friend has been saying this for a while) that the most important thing in life is honesty to yourself and others.
That doesn't mean your worse or better than they think just different. It also shows you that (my best friend has been saying this for a while) that the most important thing in life is honesty to yourself and others.
Last night
I received such a lovely message from an old school friend last night. Who has been reading this blog. It made such a difference to me after a really low day I just wanted to publicly say thank you June :-)
Friday, 7 January 2011
today grrr
Today I was told that I have never had a social services file or any contact with social services. I have a paper copy of my file in the house here but its not real (according to SS).
So how much of my life has been a lie? Over the few years some things I thought were facts/memories have been proven to me to be wrong. Did I really imagine the twins? Is my head that messed up.
Are Ian and Lorna real, did they really get born into the unluckiest family on the planet? Am I just a head case that has no true memories at all?
Social services have agreed to see me on Monday so I hope some of this can be sorted out eh.
So how much of my life has been a lie? Over the few years some things I thought were facts/memories have been proven to me to be wrong. Did I really imagine the twins? Is my head that messed up.
Are Ian and Lorna real, did they really get born into the unluckiest family on the planet? Am I just a head case that has no true memories at all?
Social services have agreed to see me on Monday so I hope some of this can be sorted out eh.
Thursday, 6 January 2011
Social services
Today while I was out at my dad's there was a phone call for me from social services. The only thing it can be about is the twins. The lass on the phone wouldn't leave a message and refused to call back today so I have all night to wait for her phoning back in the morning and I am nervous as anything.
I do hope it is great news!
This is driving me nuts can't think can't talk about it and just want to know what's what!
I do hope it is great news!
This is driving me nuts can't think can't talk about it and just want to know what's what!
Monday, 3 January 2011
Uncle Alex
Today has been another hard day for thinking.
My cousin has messaged me twice, not about how are you Roy but have you seen your dad? will you give him a message and what's going on with your brother?
This kind of thing makes me so mad and I get so wound up about it but this year I am not going to let it get me down and stop looking for Lorna and Ian. Usually I would see.
It also made me remember my uncle alex more than normal as well. I even found his death certificate today which made me cry but in a good way if that makes sense. It made me remember that, as I keep being told, I am more like my uncle Alex than my dad. Believe me that is a great thing!
My cousin has messaged me twice, not about how are you Roy but have you seen your dad? will you give him a message and what's going on with your brother?
This kind of thing makes me so mad and I get so wound up about it but this year I am not going to let it get me down and stop looking for Lorna and Ian. Usually I would see.
It also made me remember my uncle alex more than normal as well. I even found his death certificate today which made me cry but in a good way if that makes sense. It made me remember that, as I keep being told, I am more like my uncle Alex than my dad. Believe me that is a great thing!
Sunday, 2 January 2011
New Year
New Year is another difficult time. You see everyone celebrating with their family and you know there is part of your own missing.
This year however I am going to try my best to stop next year being the same.
Sometimes when we get our minds into that dark place and we think the world is against us, laughing at us and taking everything we ever cared for. I need to spend more time and thought preventing that place from hurting others. It is no ones fault other than social services the position I am in but it is everyone but them who end up being hurt by me because of this situation.
That will not continue this year I am fed up with negative emotion filling my life because of my past. It has to stop.
This year however I am going to try my best to stop next year being the same.
Sometimes when we get our minds into that dark place and we think the world is against us, laughing at us and taking everything we ever cared for. I need to spend more time and thought preventing that place from hurting others. It is no ones fault other than social services the position I am in but it is everyone but them who end up being hurt by me because of this situation.
That will not continue this year I am fed up with negative emotion filling my life because of my past. It has to stop.
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