Monday, 31 January 2011
tv
I have just emailed This Morning concerning this issue maybe they will attempt to help me as well. I know it sounds like I'm expecting everyone else to do the work and not myself, the reason for that is until I have the twins adoptive name there is little left for me to do.
Saturday, 29 January 2011
This week
This week has been a real mixture of emotions when it comes to mu family lost and found.
Wed was a real hectic day getting my new central heating fitted and I was feeling quite low when Ian @ Lorna's birth certificates arrived, least now I know they are real eh. Then yesterday my eldest daughter needed me to be there for her and I blew it.
Now I'm left wondering is it the right thing to bring Lorna and Ian into my life (assuming I can) and inflict me on them to, all I do is hurt folk and not be there for them. Maybe they are better of without me eh.
Wed was a real hectic day getting my new central heating fitted and I was feeling quite low when Ian @ Lorna's birth certificates arrived, least now I know they are real eh. Then yesterday my eldest daughter needed me to be there for her and I blew it.
Now I'm left wondering is it the right thing to bring Lorna and Ian into my life (assuming I can) and inflict me on them to, all I do is hurt folk and not be there for them. Maybe they are better of without me eh.
Wednesday, 19 January 2011
new start1
This is proving to be a real struggle to get to grips with all the stuff I've learned recently.
Here is a beauty and one that has affected my entire life in all its facets.
As with the rest of these revelations this had a profound impact on me from such a young age and now it's difficult to try and change all those learned opinions. I have always believed that anyone who mattered in my life abandoned me ever since my mum died. I have always believed that my Aunt, Uncle and grandad had abandoned me and washed there hands of me after I was sent into care proper (ie the children's home in crossgates). I learned the other day that after I was sent to that home and then my foster parents that all of these relatives had continually asked me to go back tot theirs on holiday the 1st time was the Christmas directly after mum died, ie 4months after being placed with my foster parents. This was refused not by social services or any other professional but by those foster parents.
I believed that my Dad had abandoned me until I was near 15yr old. That again was untrue and again the decision to prevent this contact was taken by foster parents. Social workers all wanted that contact to go ahead.
As for my "Lost Family" the twins Ian and Lorna the social worker involved at the very beginning of all of this had wanted there to be regular consistent contact between myself, my younger brother and them. Once again the decision was taken by foster parents not a professional person.
I have been asking myself the same question's over and over why did these two people (actually it was one of them the other was always the subservient one in the relationship) have so much control? Why did social services not take the decision away from them?
The control they had over my life was extreme and should never have been allowed to continue at that level without some input from a professional person in the decision making.
Here is a beauty and one that has affected my entire life in all its facets.
As with the rest of these revelations this had a profound impact on me from such a young age and now it's difficult to try and change all those learned opinions. I have always believed that anyone who mattered in my life abandoned me ever since my mum died. I have always believed that my Aunt, Uncle and grandad had abandoned me and washed there hands of me after I was sent into care proper (ie the children's home in crossgates). I learned the other day that after I was sent to that home and then my foster parents that all of these relatives had continually asked me to go back tot theirs on holiday the 1st time was the Christmas directly after mum died, ie 4months after being placed with my foster parents. This was refused not by social services or any other professional but by those foster parents.
I believed that my Dad had abandoned me until I was near 15yr old. That again was untrue and again the decision to prevent this contact was taken by foster parents. Social workers all wanted that contact to go ahead.
As for my "Lost Family" the twins Ian and Lorna the social worker involved at the very beginning of all of this had wanted there to be regular consistent contact between myself, my younger brother and them. Once again the decision was taken by foster parents not a professional person.
I have been asking myself the same question's over and over why did these two people (actually it was one of them the other was always the subservient one in the relationship) have so much control? Why did social services not take the decision away from them?
The control they had over my life was extreme and should never have been allowed to continue at that level without some input from a professional person in the decision making.
Tuesday, 18 January 2011
new start
I've decided to re-start my story with the new info I've found over the last few weeks.
Once my mum died I was under the believe that my dad had always fought for me and Paul. I discovered the other week that within a few weeks of my mum dying he turned up at the social workers home address trying to sign the adoption papers. This has seriously messed with my head. After this my Dad did refuse to sign any papers for my adoption though.
When Paul and I were sent to Somerset, I was under the impression that we had to leave for 2 reasons, 1st my younger brother wet the bed (he was 3 and his mum just died) 2nd I was supposed to have stabbed someone. Once again I now know neither of these events are what happened.
We had to leave because of a social services mess up (not blaming them not for a second, just one of those things eh).
The the part about the children's home appears to be straight forward enough nothing else untrue happened untill I was placed with my foster parents. I will continue that tomorrow, you understand this has been quite difficult for me eh.
Once my mum died I was under the believe that my dad had always fought for me and Paul. I discovered the other week that within a few weeks of my mum dying he turned up at the social workers home address trying to sign the adoption papers. This has seriously messed with my head. After this my Dad did refuse to sign any papers for my adoption though.
When Paul and I were sent to Somerset, I was under the impression that we had to leave for 2 reasons, 1st my younger brother wet the bed (he was 3 and his mum just died) 2nd I was supposed to have stabbed someone. Once again I now know neither of these events are what happened.
We had to leave because of a social services mess up (not blaming them not for a second, just one of those things eh).
The the part about the children's home appears to be straight forward enough nothing else untrue happened untill I was placed with my foster parents. I will continue that tomorrow, you understand this has been quite difficult for me eh.
Sunday, 16 January 2011
last week or so
The last week or so has been so difficult. I've spent a lot of time in tears and a lot of time thinking about my formative years.
How do you deal with being told (proven to) that all or most of your memories from your younger years are lies. I'm still finding it so difficult to realise that someone who was supposed to be caring for me was lying to me about so many things, preventing me from doing so much and having such a negative impact on me and the way I dealt with/deal with things.
One thing I have realised over the last few months really is that there is no substitute for the truth and when you don't know what that is you need to discover it or at least try to. The best friend I've has proven that to me time and again. Perhaps we all need to learn that and life by that rule eh.
How do you deal with being told (proven to) that all or most of your memories from your younger years are lies. I'm still finding it so difficult to realise that someone who was supposed to be caring for me was lying to me about so many things, preventing me from doing so much and having such a negative impact on me and the way I dealt with/deal with things.
One thing I have realised over the last few months really is that there is no substitute for the truth and when you don't know what that is you need to discover it or at least try to. The best friend I've has proven that to me time and again. Perhaps we all need to learn that and life by that rule eh.
Saturday, 15 January 2011
missing days
Just wanted to say sorry I have missed a few days here and my other 2 blogs just got so much to sort out in my head it's taking me a wee while eh.
Tuesday, 11 January 2011
APOLIGISE
This has been quite difficult sat here thinking how to word this.
Over the last week or so my memory and thoughts of my past have been in the fore front of my thoughts. I've discovered that a huge amount of my memory isn't true. I assume because you remember what your told by repetition when your younger. Here are some examples:-
1) I have believed my entire life that the only person who didn't turn there back on me when I was young was my Dad. As he continually refused to sign the adoption papers. I discovered yesterday that he had turned up at the social workers home address and tried to sign the adoption papers before my Mum was buried.
2) I believed my Aunt had thrown me and my younger brother Paul out because Paul wet the bed, he was 3yr old and his mum had just died of course he would. Not so long ago I discovered this was also false.
3) I believed once my aunt had thrown us out she wanted nothing to do with Paul or I. I discovered yesterday that was untrue as well. Actually I also thought the same of my granddad also untrue.
4) I believed that social services had refused me contact with my brother and sister Ian & Lorna. I discovered yesterday this was definitely not the case in fact the 1st social worker I ever had wanted there to be contact from the 1st day I was in care.
I blamed social services for so so much and over the last day or 15 I've discovered none of it was true. I feel so bad, I am having to alter my entire life story almost and its tearing me apart! It will take some getting my head round. So I'd like to
APLOIGISE TO ANY SOCIAL I EVER DEALT WITH
This is not enough but its all I can cope with at the minute sorry!
Over the last week or so my memory and thoughts of my past have been in the fore front of my thoughts. I've discovered that a huge amount of my memory isn't true. I assume because you remember what your told by repetition when your younger. Here are some examples:-
1) I have believed my entire life that the only person who didn't turn there back on me when I was young was my Dad. As he continually refused to sign the adoption papers. I discovered yesterday that he had turned up at the social workers home address and tried to sign the adoption papers before my Mum was buried.
2) I believed my Aunt had thrown me and my younger brother Paul out because Paul wet the bed, he was 3yr old and his mum had just died of course he would. Not so long ago I discovered this was also false.
3) I believed once my aunt had thrown us out she wanted nothing to do with Paul or I. I discovered yesterday that was untrue as well. Actually I also thought the same of my granddad also untrue.
4) I believed that social services had refused me contact with my brother and sister Ian & Lorna. I discovered yesterday this was definitely not the case in fact the 1st social worker I ever had wanted there to be contact from the 1st day I was in care.
I blamed social services for so so much and over the last day or 15 I've discovered none of it was true. I feel so bad, I am having to alter my entire life story almost and its tearing me apart! It will take some getting my head round. So I'd like to
APLOIGISE TO ANY SOCIAL I EVER DEALT WITH
This is not enough but its all I can cope with at the minute sorry!
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