Sometimes on days like today I wonder if me getting in touch with Ian @ Lorna would be the right thing to do.
I mean why on earth would anyone want to know they're related to me? It would be better for them to never know what a complete Numpty they have for a brother!
Tuesday, 8 March 2011
Sunday, 6 March 2011
06/11/2011
I'd like to start by saying thank you to Hanny & Sue for there comments both were much appreciated :-).
As I mentioned the other day I was at the doctor's on Friday to view my medical records. I was concerned that I had been diagnosed with psychosis when I was still so young it hardly bears thinking about.
The real answer in some ways is much worse, well I think so. My records state that I was so frightened of my old man that Meliroll was needed to keep me calm, even though I have no memory of this.
My opinion is that at the time my parents were going through a messy divorce and my Mum was using me and my supposed health problems as part of that battle.
The whole thing has left me wondering if I know who I am? Have I never known?
There were illnesses mentioned I have never heard of, there was no mention at all of normal childhood illnesses such as measles, mumps etc. Then there was a huge 13yr gap where there is no entry in my file at all. I have an appointment to chat this over with my doc.
Will I ever know what happened back then? or find out who I am really?
As I mentioned the other day I was at the doctor's on Friday to view my medical records. I was concerned that I had been diagnosed with psychosis when I was still so young it hardly bears thinking about.
The real answer in some ways is much worse, well I think so. My records state that I was so frightened of my old man that Meliroll was needed to keep me calm, even though I have no memory of this.
My opinion is that at the time my parents were going through a messy divorce and my Mum was using me and my supposed health problems as part of that battle.
The whole thing has left me wondering if I know who I am? Have I never known?
There were illnesses mentioned I have never heard of, there was no mention at all of normal childhood illnesses such as measles, mumps etc. Then there was a huge 13yr gap where there is no entry in my file at all. I have an appointment to chat this over with my doc.
Will I ever know what happened back then? or find out who I am really?
Monday, 28 February 2011
28/2/2011
After speaking to my best friend, who gave me some excellent advice, I'm going to let my mind settle for a week or so before continuing with the search to understand my past and finding Lorna @ Ian. Other than seeing my medical records this friday to try and discover why I was prescribed with an anti Physotic at such a young age. It was also pointed out to me by Sue (my best friend) that this medication does have other uses so I'm looking forward to perhaps finding out why it was used in my case.
Other than posting fri/sat to mention the results of my medical search I am going to leave things for a week or maybe 2. Let my mind get those things that have upset me this year clear (or relatively so) in my mind.
For all I know the only person reading this is my best friend but hey its all good therapy!
Other than posting fri/sat to mention the results of my medical search I am going to leave things for a week or maybe 2. Let my mind get those things that have upset me this year clear (or relatively so) in my mind.
For all I know the only person reading this is my best friend but hey its all good therapy!
Saturday, 26 February 2011
27/2/2011
Today has been so weird.
I watched the super 15 rugby then the 6 nations rugby all on TV obviously lol. I then decided that now I had put my social works file in page order I needed to separate what was relevant and what wasn't into 2 separate files. There is a lot of admin stuff in it that has no real relevance to my life then or now. That doesn't mean the financial side of things didn't/doesn't matter of course it did/does and I will always be gratefull to those that provided it and those that helped me through my younger years when they didn't have to. However it doesn't effect the way my mind is now.
Right now I feel like I'm being torn apart! I keep going over my files and re-reading everything I can find about myself during those formative years when I lost contact with Ian @ Lorna and when I became the person I now am.
I've always said to anyone that asked that if I could go back in time I'd do everything the same way so I became the same person I am now. Reasoning that I liked me the way I am now and if I did anything different then I would be someone else. After the start to the year I've had I'm no longer sure that's the case!
If that were the case I doubt I'd have this passion for my past for finding out what happened and what messed my head up so much. It is messed up see, I continue to go over and over these files knowing that each time what I read will destroy a wee bit more of me and I still can't help doing it.
Tonight I spent over 5 hours going over them again and prob 7 hours crying like a big kid because I didn't like what I read.
I need to stop this cycle and either do something more positive or just give it up and try and get my head to a better place.
I watched the super 15 rugby then the 6 nations rugby all on TV obviously lol. I then decided that now I had put my social works file in page order I needed to separate what was relevant and what wasn't into 2 separate files. There is a lot of admin stuff in it that has no real relevance to my life then or now. That doesn't mean the financial side of things didn't/doesn't matter of course it did/does and I will always be gratefull to those that provided it and those that helped me through my younger years when they didn't have to. However it doesn't effect the way my mind is now.
Right now I feel like I'm being torn apart! I keep going over my files and re-reading everything I can find about myself during those formative years when I lost contact with Ian @ Lorna and when I became the person I now am.
I've always said to anyone that asked that if I could go back in time I'd do everything the same way so I became the same person I am now. Reasoning that I liked me the way I am now and if I did anything different then I would be someone else. After the start to the year I've had I'm no longer sure that's the case!
If that were the case I doubt I'd have this passion for my past for finding out what happened and what messed my head up so much. It is messed up see, I continue to go over and over these files knowing that each time what I read will destroy a wee bit more of me and I still can't help doing it.
Tonight I spent over 5 hours going over them again and prob 7 hours crying like a big kid because I didn't like what I read.
I need to stop this cycle and either do something more positive or just give it up and try and get my head to a better place.
Thursday, 24 February 2011
25/2/2011
Well folks today I contacted my G.P. to see about getting a look at my medical records. Hopefully this will solve the mess in my head about being prescribed a strong anti-physcotic at such a young age.
I have also decided to try and get a look at my educational record, if I'm gonna properly research the past I can't remember then best to do it right eh.
No news about Lorna and Ian as of yet. Still waiting on social services getting back in touch about the relevant legislation so I can try and petition Hollyrood.
I have also decided to try and get a look at my educational record, if I'm gonna properly research the past I can't remember then best to do it right eh.
No news about Lorna and Ian as of yet. Still waiting on social services getting back in touch about the relevant legislation so I can try and petition Hollyrood.
Sunday, 13 February 2011
Confused
I'm not sure if anyone reads this or not. If you do could you answer this query I have please.
I have not seen Ian @ Lorna since 17/6/1968! This being the day after my Mum died. At that point they were taken to St Andrews, The James McKenzie Clinic. Along with my other brother Paul. Paul and I were re-united around the 22/6/1968. For which I am eternally gratefull!!!
However My Foster Mother was allowed access to Ian @ Lorna after that sometime between 17/6 @ the beginning of the 1969.
My question is,
Why was she allowed that access when my brother (Paul) and I were refused ever since my mum died any access at all?
Does anyone think was acceptable?
I have not seen Ian @ Lorna since 17/6/1968! This being the day after my Mum died. At that point they were taken to St Andrews, The James McKenzie Clinic. Along with my other brother Paul. Paul and I were re-united around the 22/6/1968. For which I am eternally gratefull!!!
However My Foster Mother was allowed access to Ian @ Lorna after that sometime between 17/6 @ the beginning of the 1969.
My question is,
Why was she allowed that access when my brother (Paul) and I were refused ever since my mum died any access at all?
Does anyone think was acceptable?
Friday, 11 February 2011
Abandonment
All my life I have had abandonment issues. Whenever I felt close to someone real close they would leave me, or that's how it felt.
After sorting out the time line in my previous post I can now totally understand why. I mean within 1 day of my mum dying I had lost not only her but the man in her life (not a bad thing) and my 2 brothers and sister.
Perhaps I should think of this as a kind of therapy and use it as such eh.
After sorting out the time line in my previous post I can now totally understand why. I mean within 1 day of my mum dying I had lost not only her but the man in her life (not a bad thing) and my 2 brothers and sister.
Perhaps I should think of this as a kind of therapy and use it as such eh.
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