Re-evaluate

Day's like today, when I attended the funeral of a lovely lass almost a decade younger me, and this time of year make you re-evaluate your life.

How many people would attend your funeral and be there cause they missed you, not because they felt they had a duty to be there.

How many people who you class as friends, are genuine friends and would miss you if you weren't around?

What if anything will you be remembered for doing? Will those memories be good ones or will you be remembered as being a nasty person not worth knowing?

When your answering these questions you must be totally honest with yourself. What others think is not relevant at this point.
We all have family and friends that will make the right noises and say the right things but are they true? Only you yourself can answer that.

Today I answered those questions about my life and ended not really liking the answer's. I'm not saying I'm a B*****d or an evil man. I have done more wrong in my life than right though and have hurt way to many people along the way.
If any of those I have hurt read this then I would like to apologise openly to them all.

It also makes me ask have I done enough during my life to find Ian & Lorna. Truthfully I'm not sure. I've started something's now that I could have started earlier. Would they have been effective back then? I don't know.

Maybe thinking like this today ain't such a good idea eh.

Lorna & Ian I miss you ever so much and wish you were here so I could see that you are ok and that your life has been good. Sorry for not being there to support you through the hard times in your life. I'd like to thank anyone that was there for you! You didn't have a great start in life I only hope it got much better afterwards.

Christmas Day

Today is possibly the hardest day of the year next to new years day for memories. I have spent a lot of time today wondering where Ian & Lorna are if they are OK? Next week will be the same. Today however I have spent as much time on what if's and what might have been, then having a wee dram maybe not the best idea so I'm not gonna say any more in case I embarrass myself.

Mind tears are a great healer and the Whisky does help them flow.

Latest news

The other day I think Monday night actually, I sent several emails to politicians. Not expecting any reply till after the silly season.

Well shock horror as you can see by the enclosed letter I have already had a postal reply. I am so impressed with this lady politician. Not only a reply but a positive one and something to lift hope at this time of year.

THANK YOU Helen Eadie your a gem!

Now

When your life starts like this it is difficult ever to believe it when something positive happens to you. Continually you look for the down side, waiting on someone taking it away from you.

I mean you never deserved happiness did you? Why else did your life end up with everyone leaving you.

When you see something that is probably so innocent your sick mind won't let you believe that. I mean why would anyone want you in their life, can you blame them. You should be made to carry a warning around your neck, " Don't talk to this man! You will end up wanting to run a mile from him."

These are some of the things that go round in your mind when you've had a past like mine. You can't believe anything. You spend your entire life surrounded by people but letting no one in properly. Then when you eventually do you can't act normal, you can't accept the silliest thing as being innocent all you do is look for that signal when they will run away.

Always thinking is this it are they running now.


Often you can't explain why you feel this way but you do. Most of the time you have no right to feel the way you do. None of that stops you making the same mistakes all over again and causing everyone around you pain!!!!!

Something positive

Today I did a few things of a positive nature to try and get in touch with Ian & Lorna.

Firstly I contacted local social services and this time they allowed me to put my contact details on their social work file so if the get in touch searching then they have all the details needed.

After that conversation I decided the thought of anyone else being in my position was just intolerable, so I have contacted several Politicians who hopefully will try and do something positive to change the current situation so no one else has to go the pain I do. Every year at this time it breaks me up not knowing if they are ok. Do they have a family? Etc. Hopefully if I continue to push the politicians they will ensure no one else has to feel the same pain.

So I have now promised myself that no matter what happens I will continue to corespond with any politician I think may help. At present I have only contacted UK & Scottish MP's but if nothing comes of that I am going to write to Strasbourg and my MEP. It's about time they realised the effect the have on so many family's and did something positive to stop this happening.

My lost family: T

My lost family: T: "This pic shows part of Kelty High Street that when I was a kid was called Stewarts Brae. The shop front behind the wee black car was the ba..."

T

This pic shows part of Kelty High Street that when I was a kid was called Stewarts Brae. The shop front behind the wee black car was the barbers my Mum used to take us all to get our hairs cut. I can remember walking down that hill on saturday mornings with the twins in their pram and paull holding onto the side of it on our way to get our locks chopped.

Seeing this pic made me smile so much today I would love to thank the man that took it way back then when everything was either black & white or sepia lol.

Auntie Mary & Uncle Bill

I got on pretty good with everyone in the house. It just felt weird the twins should be here sharing it to. Mind with such Victorian attitudes maybe it was good they weren't.

Nancy was that bit older than me and I never really had much to do with her at all. As she went to high school it was an all girl school so we never really saw much of each other.

Arthur well the same could be said for him. We attended the same school but had completely different set of friends. Doubt he would want to mix with mine.

Garry and I got on pretty good probably the best of all of us, I felt like his big brother and wanted to protect him the way I did Paul.

Paul well he was just Paul bit strange but after what we had both been through that was hardly surprising eh. Paul was confused by the fact that I wouldn't call them mum and dad. This caused the occasional argument eh but I just couldn't. It wasn't as if we were a real family eh I mean Lorna and Ian should be here to.

Auntie Mary & Uncle Bill

These were family friends of my Mum's who were foster parents. After Paul and I had been brought back from Somerset. We were told as soon as they came back from holiday and got a larger house we would be going there to stay.

At last someone who wanted us. They already had 3 adopted kids, Nancy, Arthur and Gary hence the need for a larger house lol.

We soon discovered that wasn't the case.

I was the only out of the 5 that refused to call them mum and dad. My mum had died, I didn't want her replaced. This caused so much grief though and I soon learned once again I was the outsider. The one that was different. Why did I have to be difficult? Everyone else called them Mum & Dad why not me MY MUM IS DEAD!

As soon as we were settled I started asking social services about Lorna and Ian. They thought if they ignored me I'd go away I think, so they never replied when I asked. I thought when we got settled the 4 of us would be back together but again I was wrong.

Trouble started shortly after we got settled into our new house. the local kids who I had been friends with before I went to Somerset, had changed. Well some had, I was now the kid with no mum and open to all sort of grief.

I remember one incident where a young lad (1yr younger than me) shouted at me "you must have been real bad if your mum would rather be dead than with you. I had a quite word with him and the police arrived at the house. Another thing that would happen often in my life.

The children's home 1

This time was the start of my wall building. Every single person I had ever cared for had left me. Even my mum dying, now I know that was silly but as a kid it just seemed no 1 wanted me. My gran dies, my mum dies then the twins (the worst part) are taken away and after all that my Aunt and Uncle seem to have thrown us out.

While in the children's home I spent a lot of time in tears. Feeling unwanted and unloved, because of this it was decided that I should see a physciatrist this was the start of a long relationship with people in the mental health dept of local hospitals.

The hospital was called Stratheaden and it was in a tiny village called Springfield. The actual visit there wasn't to bad, it was in a lovely wee cottage near a stream and the doc let me play in the sandpit and with these dolls which felt a little weird but hey it was a pleasant enough afternoon.

When I got back to the home I noticed that most of the staff were different with me. They spent more time watching, talking and asking how I was. At the time it made me feel weird, why was I different?

The children's home

My 1st view of the home was in total darkness. Paul and I had been collected from Edinburgh train station by a social worker near to midnight I think. Driven to the home and straight to bed. We were both shattered after the train ride from Weston-Super-Mare.

The following day when we got outside (should have mentioned all this was happening during the summer holiday's) I realised the home was 2 normal council house's with a connecting door on a normal council estate in Crossgates. Behind the home was a wee park with swings etc it was quite a cool place to be, after all the upheaval of the preceding few months. More settled and the kids spoke like I did with no funny accents.

Paul and I were not to spend to much time here and the little time we did was relatively ok, other than the day I fell of the bike they were trying to get me to ride and fell in a huge pile of nettles. That was lovely lol.

The folk that worked there were quite good as I remember. None of the stuff you so often hear about from council run children's homes. I even got pocket money 1st time in my life. I remember it was 2 and 6 an old half crown. I felt like a millionaire hee hee. On a Saturday when we got our money I would go with some of the older boys into Dunfermline and by the time we got back I would be skint. Good training for being an adult that was lol.

Before the family split

I was thinking earlier and decided perhaps I should have started before all this happened. So here goes.

To start with in our house was myself, my mum, dad and my gran. Then Paul was born and that was great I had a wee brother how cool.

My gran died though shortly after that, The start of people leaving me. I know its a natural part of life but as a young kid I just saw someone who had been ill sleeping in our sitting room and that I loved very much leaving. Hurt like hell really.

The next major event happened when my parents split up. I don't know all the in's and outs, don't really want to either but yet again someone I loved had left.

My mum then moved in her new man. Not gonna go into any of that lets just say it was not a good time eh.

Then all the stuff in my 2 previous posts happened.

After they were lost

When my Mum died and the person she was living with had left, our family was put in the care of social services.

They in their wisdom decided that the 4 of us had to split up. Myself and Paul were sent to life with my Aunt Colleen in Somerset. Ian and Lorna were put somewhere else and I have never seen them since.

My Aunt lovely though she was already had 2 children, with the addition of Paul and myself it became a wee bit much for her. We were then taken back into care and put into a residential care home in a wee village called Crossgates, Fife.

I have since discovered all that upheaval had nothing to do with my Aunt and Uncle but a botch made by the then Fife Social Services. The social worker who was dealing with our case had sent us all that way probably some 450ml's without the knowledge of Somerset Social services. When they found out the situation, to say they were not happy might be an understatement.

What they said makes perfect sense now but back then all it meant to us was more heart break. My Mum had died and left us and now here was the only other family we had throwing us out.

As a child all I felt was rejected and unwanted. Paul was luckily to young to realise half of what was going on thankfully.

To make these matters worse, we were taken by train to Edinburgh and left at the station with a social worker I had never met before and taken to the care home that would be our new home for at least the near future.

Ian and Lorna Thomson

Ian and Lorna are twins and they are my brother and sister. I have however not seen them since 1968/9.

I find it difficult to talk about them as at that time they were still very young and I was only 9 ish. When my mum died she left 4 kids myself Roy, Paul, Ian and Lorna all Thomson's. Being so young and then becoming so confused as my family was split in 2, I have few memories of the twins when we were together. Since then I have had no contact with them at all.

It breaks my heart, I have now run out of options there is nothing left to try.

I still hope and pray they will come and find me, I continually return to the same village we lived in, actually I now life less than 500yds from the house we all shared as a family just in case they come looking.