Monday 31 January 2011
tv
I have just emailed This Morning concerning this issue maybe they will attempt to help me as well. I know it sounds like I'm expecting everyone else to do the work and not myself, the reason for that is until I have the twins adoptive name there is little left for me to do.
Saturday 29 January 2011
This week
This week has been a real mixture of emotions when it comes to mu family lost and found.
Wed was a real hectic day getting my new central heating fitted and I was feeling quite low when Ian @ Lorna's birth certificates arrived, least now I know they are real eh. Then yesterday my eldest daughter needed me to be there for her and I blew it.
Now I'm left wondering is it the right thing to bring Lorna and Ian into my life (assuming I can) and inflict me on them to, all I do is hurt folk and not be there for them. Maybe they are better of without me eh.
Wed was a real hectic day getting my new central heating fitted and I was feeling quite low when Ian @ Lorna's birth certificates arrived, least now I know they are real eh. Then yesterday my eldest daughter needed me to be there for her and I blew it.
Now I'm left wondering is it the right thing to bring Lorna and Ian into my life (assuming I can) and inflict me on them to, all I do is hurt folk and not be there for them. Maybe they are better of without me eh.
Wednesday 19 January 2011
new start1
This is proving to be a real struggle to get to grips with all the stuff I've learned recently.
Here is a beauty and one that has affected my entire life in all its facets.
As with the rest of these revelations this had a profound impact on me from such a young age and now it's difficult to try and change all those learned opinions. I have always believed that anyone who mattered in my life abandoned me ever since my mum died. I have always believed that my Aunt, Uncle and grandad had abandoned me and washed there hands of me after I was sent into care proper (ie the children's home in crossgates). I learned the other day that after I was sent to that home and then my foster parents that all of these relatives had continually asked me to go back tot theirs on holiday the 1st time was the Christmas directly after mum died, ie 4months after being placed with my foster parents. This was refused not by social services or any other professional but by those foster parents.
I believed that my Dad had abandoned me until I was near 15yr old. That again was untrue and again the decision to prevent this contact was taken by foster parents. Social workers all wanted that contact to go ahead.
As for my "Lost Family" the twins Ian and Lorna the social worker involved at the very beginning of all of this had wanted there to be regular consistent contact between myself, my younger brother and them. Once again the decision was taken by foster parents not a professional person.
I have been asking myself the same question's over and over why did these two people (actually it was one of them the other was always the subservient one in the relationship) have so much control? Why did social services not take the decision away from them?
The control they had over my life was extreme and should never have been allowed to continue at that level without some input from a professional person in the decision making.
Here is a beauty and one that has affected my entire life in all its facets.
As with the rest of these revelations this had a profound impact on me from such a young age and now it's difficult to try and change all those learned opinions. I have always believed that anyone who mattered in my life abandoned me ever since my mum died. I have always believed that my Aunt, Uncle and grandad had abandoned me and washed there hands of me after I was sent into care proper (ie the children's home in crossgates). I learned the other day that after I was sent to that home and then my foster parents that all of these relatives had continually asked me to go back tot theirs on holiday the 1st time was the Christmas directly after mum died, ie 4months after being placed with my foster parents. This was refused not by social services or any other professional but by those foster parents.
I believed that my Dad had abandoned me until I was near 15yr old. That again was untrue and again the decision to prevent this contact was taken by foster parents. Social workers all wanted that contact to go ahead.
As for my "Lost Family" the twins Ian and Lorna the social worker involved at the very beginning of all of this had wanted there to be regular consistent contact between myself, my younger brother and them. Once again the decision was taken by foster parents not a professional person.
I have been asking myself the same question's over and over why did these two people (actually it was one of them the other was always the subservient one in the relationship) have so much control? Why did social services not take the decision away from them?
The control they had over my life was extreme and should never have been allowed to continue at that level without some input from a professional person in the decision making.
Tuesday 18 January 2011
new start
I've decided to re-start my story with the new info I've found over the last few weeks.
Once my mum died I was under the believe that my dad had always fought for me and Paul. I discovered the other week that within a few weeks of my mum dying he turned up at the social workers home address trying to sign the adoption papers. This has seriously messed with my head. After this my Dad did refuse to sign any papers for my adoption though.
When Paul and I were sent to Somerset, I was under the impression that we had to leave for 2 reasons, 1st my younger brother wet the bed (he was 3 and his mum just died) 2nd I was supposed to have stabbed someone. Once again I now know neither of these events are what happened.
We had to leave because of a social services mess up (not blaming them not for a second, just one of those things eh).
The the part about the children's home appears to be straight forward enough nothing else untrue happened untill I was placed with my foster parents. I will continue that tomorrow, you understand this has been quite difficult for me eh.
Once my mum died I was under the believe that my dad had always fought for me and Paul. I discovered the other week that within a few weeks of my mum dying he turned up at the social workers home address trying to sign the adoption papers. This has seriously messed with my head. After this my Dad did refuse to sign any papers for my adoption though.
When Paul and I were sent to Somerset, I was under the impression that we had to leave for 2 reasons, 1st my younger brother wet the bed (he was 3 and his mum just died) 2nd I was supposed to have stabbed someone. Once again I now know neither of these events are what happened.
We had to leave because of a social services mess up (not blaming them not for a second, just one of those things eh).
The the part about the children's home appears to be straight forward enough nothing else untrue happened untill I was placed with my foster parents. I will continue that tomorrow, you understand this has been quite difficult for me eh.
Sunday 16 January 2011
last week or so
The last week or so has been so difficult. I've spent a lot of time in tears and a lot of time thinking about my formative years.
How do you deal with being told (proven to) that all or most of your memories from your younger years are lies. I'm still finding it so difficult to realise that someone who was supposed to be caring for me was lying to me about so many things, preventing me from doing so much and having such a negative impact on me and the way I dealt with/deal with things.
One thing I have realised over the last few months really is that there is no substitute for the truth and when you don't know what that is you need to discover it or at least try to. The best friend I've has proven that to me time and again. Perhaps we all need to learn that and life by that rule eh.
How do you deal with being told (proven to) that all or most of your memories from your younger years are lies. I'm still finding it so difficult to realise that someone who was supposed to be caring for me was lying to me about so many things, preventing me from doing so much and having such a negative impact on me and the way I dealt with/deal with things.
One thing I have realised over the last few months really is that there is no substitute for the truth and when you don't know what that is you need to discover it or at least try to. The best friend I've has proven that to me time and again. Perhaps we all need to learn that and life by that rule eh.
Saturday 15 January 2011
missing days
Just wanted to say sorry I have missed a few days here and my other 2 blogs just got so much to sort out in my head it's taking me a wee while eh.
Tuesday 11 January 2011
APOLIGISE
This has been quite difficult sat here thinking how to word this.
Over the last week or so my memory and thoughts of my past have been in the fore front of my thoughts. I've discovered that a huge amount of my memory isn't true. I assume because you remember what your told by repetition when your younger. Here are some examples:-
1) I have believed my entire life that the only person who didn't turn there back on me when I was young was my Dad. As he continually refused to sign the adoption papers. I discovered yesterday that he had turned up at the social workers home address and tried to sign the adoption papers before my Mum was buried.
2) I believed my Aunt had thrown me and my younger brother Paul out because Paul wet the bed, he was 3yr old and his mum had just died of course he would. Not so long ago I discovered this was also false.
3) I believed once my aunt had thrown us out she wanted nothing to do with Paul or I. I discovered yesterday that was untrue as well. Actually I also thought the same of my granddad also untrue.
4) I believed that social services had refused me contact with my brother and sister Ian & Lorna. I discovered yesterday this was definitely not the case in fact the 1st social worker I ever had wanted there to be contact from the 1st day I was in care.
I blamed social services for so so much and over the last day or 15 I've discovered none of it was true. I feel so bad, I am having to alter my entire life story almost and its tearing me apart! It will take some getting my head round. So I'd like to
APLOIGISE TO ANY SOCIAL I EVER DEALT WITH
This is not enough but its all I can cope with at the minute sorry!
Over the last week or so my memory and thoughts of my past have been in the fore front of my thoughts. I've discovered that a huge amount of my memory isn't true. I assume because you remember what your told by repetition when your younger. Here are some examples:-
1) I have believed my entire life that the only person who didn't turn there back on me when I was young was my Dad. As he continually refused to sign the adoption papers. I discovered yesterday that he had turned up at the social workers home address and tried to sign the adoption papers before my Mum was buried.
2) I believed my Aunt had thrown me and my younger brother Paul out because Paul wet the bed, he was 3yr old and his mum had just died of course he would. Not so long ago I discovered this was also false.
3) I believed once my aunt had thrown us out she wanted nothing to do with Paul or I. I discovered yesterday that was untrue as well. Actually I also thought the same of my granddad also untrue.
4) I believed that social services had refused me contact with my brother and sister Ian & Lorna. I discovered yesterday this was definitely not the case in fact the 1st social worker I ever had wanted there to be contact from the 1st day I was in care.
I blamed social services for so so much and over the last day or 15 I've discovered none of it was true. I feel so bad, I am having to alter my entire life story almost and its tearing me apart! It will take some getting my head round. So I'd like to
APLOIGISE TO ANY SOCIAL I EVER DEALT WITH
This is not enough but its all I can cope with at the minute sorry!
Monday 10 January 2011
Today's meeting
Today's meeting went better than expected. Not that anything was resolved but there was such a positive vibe afterwards it was cool.
I have over the years been asked by several folk why I dislike social workers so much. Well today I was told that since the 60's all social workers in my life said I was treated as an outsider in the foster home and not part of the family. However it was better not to move me, everyone else was happy and that was good. Can you wonder I dislike them?
I have over the years been asked by several folk why I dislike social workers so much. Well today I was told that since the 60's all social workers in my life said I was treated as an outsider in the foster home and not part of the family. However it was better not to move me, everyone else was happy and that was good. Can you wonder I dislike them?
Sunday 9 January 2011
Tomorrow
I have my meeting with social services at 11am Monday morning. I would greatly appreciate the prayers of anyone who could for a good honest outcome to that meeting!
Lies
Well today I found more lies in my past. The reason I haven't tried harder in the past to contact Lorna and Ian was so I didn't upset my dad. Today I discovered the reason he might have been upset was a lie.
How sad is that?
How sad is that?
Saturday 8 January 2011
?
Thinking about June's message has made me realise that no matter what time in your life you think about, other people see you differently from the way you see yourself.
That doesn't mean your worse or better than they think just different. It also shows you that (my best friend has been saying this for a while) that the most important thing in life is honesty to yourself and others.
That doesn't mean your worse or better than they think just different. It also shows you that (my best friend has been saying this for a while) that the most important thing in life is honesty to yourself and others.
Last night
I received such a lovely message from an old school friend last night. Who has been reading this blog. It made such a difference to me after a really low day I just wanted to publicly say thank you June :-)
Friday 7 January 2011
today grrr
Today I was told that I have never had a social services file or any contact with social services. I have a paper copy of my file in the house here but its not real (according to SS).
So how much of my life has been a lie? Over the few years some things I thought were facts/memories have been proven to me to be wrong. Did I really imagine the twins? Is my head that messed up.
Are Ian and Lorna real, did they really get born into the unluckiest family on the planet? Am I just a head case that has no true memories at all?
Social services have agreed to see me on Monday so I hope some of this can be sorted out eh.
So how much of my life has been a lie? Over the few years some things I thought were facts/memories have been proven to me to be wrong. Did I really imagine the twins? Is my head that messed up.
Are Ian and Lorna real, did they really get born into the unluckiest family on the planet? Am I just a head case that has no true memories at all?
Social services have agreed to see me on Monday so I hope some of this can be sorted out eh.
Thursday 6 January 2011
Social services
Today while I was out at my dad's there was a phone call for me from social services. The only thing it can be about is the twins. The lass on the phone wouldn't leave a message and refused to call back today so I have all night to wait for her phoning back in the morning and I am nervous as anything.
I do hope it is great news!
This is driving me nuts can't think can't talk about it and just want to know what's what!
I do hope it is great news!
This is driving me nuts can't think can't talk about it and just want to know what's what!
Monday 3 January 2011
Uncle Alex
Today has been another hard day for thinking.
My cousin has messaged me twice, not about how are you Roy but have you seen your dad? will you give him a message and what's going on with your brother?
This kind of thing makes me so mad and I get so wound up about it but this year I am not going to let it get me down and stop looking for Lorna and Ian. Usually I would see.
It also made me remember my uncle alex more than normal as well. I even found his death certificate today which made me cry but in a good way if that makes sense. It made me remember that, as I keep being told, I am more like my uncle Alex than my dad. Believe me that is a great thing!
My cousin has messaged me twice, not about how are you Roy but have you seen your dad? will you give him a message and what's going on with your brother?
This kind of thing makes me so mad and I get so wound up about it but this year I am not going to let it get me down and stop looking for Lorna and Ian. Usually I would see.
It also made me remember my uncle alex more than normal as well. I even found his death certificate today which made me cry but in a good way if that makes sense. It made me remember that, as I keep being told, I am more like my uncle Alex than my dad. Believe me that is a great thing!
Sunday 2 January 2011
New Year
New Year is another difficult time. You see everyone celebrating with their family and you know there is part of your own missing.
This year however I am going to try my best to stop next year being the same.
Sometimes when we get our minds into that dark place and we think the world is against us, laughing at us and taking everything we ever cared for. I need to spend more time and thought preventing that place from hurting others. It is no ones fault other than social services the position I am in but it is everyone but them who end up being hurt by me because of this situation.
That will not continue this year I am fed up with negative emotion filling my life because of my past. It has to stop.
This year however I am going to try my best to stop next year being the same.
Sometimes when we get our minds into that dark place and we think the world is against us, laughing at us and taking everything we ever cared for. I need to spend more time and thought preventing that place from hurting others. It is no ones fault other than social services the position I am in but it is everyone but them who end up being hurt by me because of this situation.
That will not continue this year I am fed up with negative emotion filling my life because of my past. It has to stop.
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