PLEASE HELP ME TO FIND LONG LOST TWINS - Local Headlines - Fife Today

PLEASE HELP ME TO FIND LONG LOST TWINS - Local Headlines - Fife Today

My latest attempt to find Ian & Lorna

Latest devolpments

Well folks things have been happening apace since my last blog entry here.

1st I emailed the tv programme Long Lost Families and have had a lovely chat with on the phone with a researcher. Waiting to hear if I am to be selected from the 6500 enquires they had.

2nd I contacted the newspaper in St Andrews again. With amazing results,
Initially I had to wait on the editor coming back from holiday. Then today they phoned early on and said they would be running the story, then called back later with some questions and an appointment tomorrow to get my pic taken for the story they're gonna run this Friday.

So lets hope and pray that 1 of these will bear fruit eh

However I am so pleased to have some positive feedback from someone and it has lifted my spirits no end. :-):-):-):-):-):-):-)

Texts

I just realised through a text conversation with my best friend, Sue Perry. That I have allowed the loss of my mum and Ian & Lorna to define my life and rule what I did and thought. Not sure how I can change this, it has been me for 44years but I need to try. I want to publicly say thank you Sue fir helping me once more. You keep it up and i'll need to start paying for your help lol.

Thank you Sue Perry for being the most amazing friend ever xxx

MUM

Mum


Mum I miss you so
It's been 43 yr
Still makes me feel so low

You left us so young
Our life had just started
When yours was all done

Ian and Lorna were taken away
They left us no time
Not even a day

My heart has been breaking
Over all of these years
Sometimes I fell like leaving
Life

Please return to my life
The hole there to fill
Even if it's just to bring strife

Copyright Roy Thomson 12/6/2011

10/6/2011

This time of year always brings back painful memories. My Mum dying the last time I saw Ian & Lorna. The destruction of my happy family.

I spend so much time crying around now that I'm surprised anyone wants to chat with me.

Some people always seem to make the effort and to make me feel a wee bit brighter. Perhaps I should try and make this year a more positive one and stop letting the past make me so miserable eh.

9/6/2011

In 5 days time it will be 43 yrs since my Mum died and the following day it will be 43yrs since I have seen my brother and sister.
It's breaks my heart that no matter what I do I never seem to get any closer to finding out if they are ok.
That paper I contacted have made no attempt to get back in touch, I'm thinking of phoning another one but will that be any different?

In some respects it would be easier to find them and be told go away we want nothing to do with you eh.

Newspaper

Few weeks back now I contacted a news paper local to the area I believe Lorna @ Ian were adopted in, asking how much to run an ad stating the info I have about them and was told don't we will get in touch and run a story about your search.
Well I been waiting for 2 weeks now and not even a simple message.
Not sure should I contact a different paper ir just run the ad? Any ideas?

mindless

There are days like today when for No reason your can't stop thinking about your lost family and damn it hurts.

No matter what anyone says or does it don't help and doesn't go away. Its at the point I'm seriously considering writing to a TV prog called lost families.

I wish they were here so I could just see that they're ok and not suffering!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

09/03/2011

Sometimes on days like today I wonder if me getting in touch with Ian @ Lorna would be the right thing to do.

I mean why on earth would anyone want to know they're related to me? It would be better for them to never know what a complete Numpty they have for a brother!

06/11/2011

I'd like to start by saying thank you to Hanny & Sue for there comments both were much appreciated :-).

As I mentioned the other day I was at the doctor's on Friday to view my medical records. I was concerned that I had been diagnosed with psychosis when I was still so young it hardly bears thinking about.

The real answer in some ways is much worse, well I think so. My records state that I was so frightened of my old man that Meliroll was needed to keep me calm, even though I have no memory of this.

My opinion is that at the time my parents were going through a messy divorce and my Mum was using me and my supposed health problems as part of that battle.

The whole thing has left me wondering if I know who I am? Have I never known?

There were illnesses mentioned I have never heard of, there was no mention at all of normal childhood illnesses such as measles, mumps etc. Then there was a huge 13yr gap where there is no entry in my file at all. I have an appointment to chat this over with my doc.

Will I ever know what happened back then? or find out who I am really?

28/2/2011

After speaking to my best friend, who gave me some excellent advice, I'm going to let my mind settle for a week or so before continuing with the search to understand my past and finding Lorna @ Ian. Other than seeing my medical records this friday to try and discover why I was prescribed with an anti Physotic at such a young age. It was also pointed out to me by Sue (my best friend) that this medication does have other uses so I'm looking forward to perhaps finding out why it was used in my case.
Other than posting fri/sat to mention the results of my medical search I am going to leave things for a week or maybe 2. Let my mind get those things that have upset me this year clear (or relatively so) in my mind.

For all I know the only person reading this is my best friend but hey its all good therapy!

27/2/2011

Today has been so weird.

I watched the super 15 rugby then the 6 nations rugby all on TV obviously lol. I then decided that now I had put my social works file in page order I needed to separate what was relevant and what wasn't into 2 separate files. There is a lot of admin stuff in it that has no real relevance to my life then or now. That doesn't mean the financial side of things didn't/doesn't matter of course it did/does and I will always be gratefull to those that provided it and those that helped me through my younger years when they didn't have to. However it doesn't effect the way my mind is now.

Right now I feel like I'm being torn apart! I keep going over my files and re-reading everything I can find about myself during those formative years when I lost contact with Ian @ Lorna and when I became the person I now am.
I've always said to anyone that asked that if I could go back in time I'd do everything the same way so I became the same person I am now. Reasoning that I liked me the way I am now and if I did anything different then I would be someone else. After the start to the year I've had I'm no longer sure that's the case!
If that were the case I doubt I'd have this passion for my past for finding out what happened and what messed my head up so much. It is messed up see, I continue to go over and over these files knowing that each time what I read will destroy a wee bit more of me and I still can't help doing it.
Tonight I spent over 5 hours going over them again and prob 7 hours crying like a big kid because I didn't like what I read.

I need to stop this cycle and either do something more positive or just give it up and try and get my head to a better place.

25/2/2011

Well folks today I contacted my G.P. to see about getting a look at my medical records. Hopefully this will solve the mess in my head about being prescribed a strong anti-physcotic at such a young age.

I have also decided to try and get a look at my educational record, if I'm gonna properly research the past I can't remember then best to do it right eh.

No news about Lorna and Ian as of yet. Still waiting on social services getting back in touch about the relevant legislation so I can try and petition Hollyrood.

Confused

I'm not sure if anyone reads this or not. If you do could you answer this query I have please.

I have not seen Ian @ Lorna since 17/6/1968! This being the day after my Mum died. At that point they were taken to St Andrews, The James McKenzie Clinic. Along with my other brother Paul. Paul and I were re-united around the 22/6/1968. For which I am eternally gratefull!!!

However My Foster Mother was allowed access to Ian @ Lorna after that sometime between 17/6 @ the beginning of the 1969.

My question is,

Why was she allowed that access when my brother (Paul) and I were refused ever since my mum died any access at all?

Does anyone think was acceptable?

Abandonment

All my life I have had abandonment issues. Whenever I felt close to someone real close they would leave me, or that's how it felt.

After sorting out the time line in my previous post I can now totally understand why. I mean within 1 day of my mum dying I had lost not only her but the man in her life (not a bad thing) and my 2 brothers and sister.

Perhaps I should think of this as a kind of therapy and use it as such eh.

Timeline

I was born on the 1/61959.

My Parents seperated dec 1966.

My 1st psychiatric treatment took place 20/2/1967, this was a shock to me as I thought it hadn't happened till 1968. My 1st treatment after this was to be put on a strong tranquiliser I mean come on I was 7yr old.

Parents divorced 20/10/1967, custody was awarded to my mum.

Mum died 16/6/68.

Paul Ian and Lorna were placed in James McKenzie Clinic in St Andrews on 17/6/68.

I was left away from my siblings until 22/6/68.

At that point Paul and I were taken to my Aunt in Somerset.

Lorna and Ian stayed in the James McKenzie Clinic after that I believe up until their adoption/fostering.

Sent to Crossgates Childrens home 6/7/68.

Eventually sent to my foster parents (long term) 23/7/68.

As you can see a huge amount happened in a very short time when we were all so young and vulnerable.

This process has proved useful, it has also brought up several questions that I hope to answer very soon.

Re-read

I may not post for a day or 2. Going to re-read my social work file. Need to get my head round a few of the issues that have arisen over the last few weeks.

nephew

Tonight my nephew told me I needed to get a life and that the sport I liked was gay. Well I ain't gay but the other part is true really. Right now if I knew Ian @ Lorna were OK I could die happy!

That's not me being morbid just at this minute the only thing I have to look forward to is meeting them. Other than that I have NO life. I know that is my own fault but hey just can't change it and not sure I have the right to. Spent to much of my life hurting others and its about time it stopped.

I should also point out that way of feeling is solely about me, no one influenced it or made me feel bad about myself, I can do that all by myself and don't need any help.

Dying

I have been kinda morbid today and am thinking I will die without seeing the twins and its tearing me up!

Somerset

Well today as I was reading through the 1995 fostering act a thought arrived.

I was fostered in Somerset straight after my mum died. So I contacted Somerset council then North Somerset council for copies of any info they hold on me.
Then a thought arose if I was fostered there 1st does that change the law as far as getting in touch with Ian @ Lorna? Not sure but am going to look into it.

tv

I have just emailed This Morning concerning this issue maybe they will attempt to help me as well. I know it sounds like I'm expecting everyone else to do the work and not myself, the reason for that is until I have the twins adoptive name there is little left for me to do.

This week

This week has been a real mixture of emotions when it comes to mu family lost and found.

Wed was a real hectic day getting my new central heating fitted and I was feeling quite low when Ian @ Lorna's birth certificates arrived, least now I know they are real eh. Then yesterday my eldest daughter needed me to be there for her and I blew it.

Now I'm left wondering is it the right thing to bring Lorna and Ian into my life (assuming I can) and inflict me on them to, all I do is hurt folk and not be there for them. Maybe they are better of without me eh.

new start1

This is proving to be a real struggle to get to grips with all the stuff I've learned recently.

Here is a beauty and one that has affected my entire life in all its facets.

As with the rest of these revelations this had a profound impact on me from such a young age and now it's difficult to try and change all those learned opinions. I have always believed that anyone who mattered in my life abandoned me ever since my mum died. I have always believed that my Aunt, Uncle and grandad had abandoned me and washed there hands of me after I was sent into care proper (ie the children's home in crossgates). I learned the other day that after I was sent to that home and then my foster parents that all of these relatives had continually asked me to go back tot theirs on holiday the 1st time was the Christmas directly after mum died, ie 4months after being placed with my foster parents. This was refused not by social services or any other professional but by those foster parents.

I believed that my Dad had abandoned me until I was near 15yr old. That again was untrue and again the decision to prevent this contact was taken by foster parents. Social workers all wanted that contact to go ahead.

As for my "Lost Family" the twins Ian and Lorna the social worker involved at the very beginning of all of this had wanted there to be regular consistent contact between myself, my younger brother and them. Once again the decision was taken by foster parents not a professional person.

I have been asking myself the same question's over and over why did these two people (actually it was one of them the other was always the subservient one in the relationship) have so much control? Why did social services not take the decision away from them?
The control they had over my life was extreme and should never have been allowed to continue at that level without some input from a professional person in the decision making.

new start

I've decided to re-start my story with the new info I've found over the last few weeks.

Once my mum died I was under the believe that my dad had always fought for me and Paul. I discovered the other week that within a few weeks of my mum dying he turned up at the social workers home address trying to sign the adoption papers. This has seriously messed with my head. After this my Dad did refuse to sign any papers for my adoption though.

When Paul and I were sent to Somerset, I was under the impression that we had to leave for 2 reasons, 1st my younger brother wet the bed (he was 3 and his mum just died) 2nd I was supposed to have stabbed someone. Once again I now know neither of these events are what happened.
We had to leave because of a social services mess up (not blaming them not for a second, just one of those things eh).

The the part about the children's home appears to be straight forward enough nothing else untrue happened untill I was placed with my foster parents. I will continue that tomorrow, you understand this has been quite difficult for me eh.

last week or so

The last week or so has been so difficult. I've spent a lot of time in tears and a lot of time thinking about my formative years.

How do you deal with being told (proven to) that all or most of your memories from your younger years are lies. I'm still finding it so difficult to realise that someone who was supposed to be caring for me was lying to me about so many things, preventing me from doing so much and having such a negative impact on me and the way I dealt with/deal with things.

One thing I have realised over the last few months really is that there is no substitute for the truth and when you don't know what that is you need to discover it or at least try to. The best friend I've has proven that to me time and again. Perhaps we all need to learn that and life by that rule eh.

missing days

Just wanted to say sorry I have missed a few days here and my other 2 blogs just got so much to sort out in my head it's taking me a wee while eh.

APOLIGISE

This has been quite difficult sat here thinking how to word this.

Over the last week or so my memory and thoughts of my past have been in the fore front of my thoughts. I've discovered that a huge amount of my memory isn't true. I assume because you remember what your told by repetition when your younger. Here are some examples:-

1) I have believed my entire life that the only person who didn't turn there back on me when I was young was my Dad. As he continually refused to sign the adoption papers. I discovered yesterday that he had turned up at the social workers home address and tried to sign the adoption papers before my Mum was buried.

2) I believed my Aunt had thrown me and my younger brother Paul out because Paul wet the bed, he was 3yr old and his mum had just died of course he would. Not so long ago I discovered this was also false.

3) I believed once my aunt had thrown us out she wanted nothing to do with Paul or I. I discovered yesterday that was untrue as well. Actually I also thought the same of my granddad also untrue.

4) I believed that social services had refused me contact with my brother and sister Ian & Lorna. I discovered yesterday this was definitely not the case in fact the 1st social worker I ever had wanted there to be contact from the 1st day I was in care.

I blamed social services for so so much and over the last day or 15 I've discovered none of it was true. I feel so bad, I am having to alter my entire life story almost and its tearing me apart! It will take some getting my head round. So I'd like to

APLOIGISE TO ANY SOCIAL I EVER DEALT WITH

This is not enough but its all I can cope with at the minute sorry!

Today's meeting

Today's meeting went better than expected. Not that anything was resolved but there was such a positive vibe afterwards it was cool.

I have over the years been asked by several folk why I dislike social workers so much. Well today I was told that since the 60's all social workers in my life said I was treated as an outsider in the foster home and not part of the family. However it was better not to move me, everyone else was happy and that was good. Can you wonder I dislike them?

Tomorrow

I have my meeting with social services at 11am Monday morning. I would greatly appreciate the prayers of anyone who could for a good honest outcome to that meeting!

Lies

Well today I found more lies in my past. The reason I haven't tried harder in the past to contact Lorna and Ian was so I didn't upset my dad. Today I discovered the reason he might have been upset was a lie.

How sad is that?

?

Thinking about June's message has made me realise that no matter what time in your life you think about, other people see you differently from the way you see yourself.

That doesn't mean your worse or better than they think just different. It also shows you that (my best friend has been saying this for a while) that the most important thing in life is honesty to yourself and others.

Last night

I received such a lovely message from an old school friend last night. Who has been reading this blog. It made such a difference to me after a really low day I just wanted to publicly say thank you June :-)

today grrr

Today I was told that I have never had a social services file or any contact with social services. I have a paper copy of my file in the house here but its not real (according to SS).

So how much of my life has been a lie? Over the few years some things I thought were facts/memories have been proven to me to be wrong. Did I really imagine the twins? Is my head that messed up.

Are Ian and Lorna real, did they really get born into the unluckiest family on the planet? Am I just a head case that has no true memories at all?

Social services have agreed to see me on Monday so I hope some of this can be sorted out eh.

Social services

Today while I was out at my dad's there was a phone call for me from social services. The only thing it can be about is the twins. The lass on the phone wouldn't leave a message and refused to call back today so I have all night to wait for her phoning back in the morning and I am nervous as anything.

I do hope it is great news!


This is driving me nuts can't think can't talk about it and just want to know what's what!

Uncle Alex

Today has been another hard day for thinking.

My cousin has messaged me twice, not about how are you Roy but have you seen your dad? will you give him a message and what's going on with your brother?

This kind of thing makes me so mad and I get so wound up about it but this year I am not going to let it get me down and stop looking for Lorna and Ian. Usually I would see.

It also made me remember my uncle alex more than normal as well. I even found his death certificate today which made me cry but in a good way if that makes sense. It made me remember that, as I keep being told, I am more like my uncle Alex than my dad. Believe me that is a great thing!

New Year

New Year is another difficult time. You see everyone celebrating with their family and you know there is part of your own missing.

This year however I am going to try my best to stop next year being the same.

Sometimes when we get our minds into that dark place and we think the world is against us, laughing at us and taking everything we ever cared for. I need to spend more time and thought preventing that place from hurting others. It is no ones fault other than social services the position I am in but it is everyone but them who end up being hurt by me because of this situation.

That will not continue this year I am fed up with negative emotion filling my life because of my past. It has to stop.