After speaking to my best friend, who gave me some excellent advice, I'm going to let my mind settle for a week or so before continuing with the search to understand my past and finding Lorna @ Ian. Other than seeing my medical records this friday to try and discover why I was prescribed with an anti Physotic at such a young age. It was also pointed out to me by Sue (my best friend) that this medication does have other uses so I'm looking forward to perhaps finding out why it was used in my case.
Other than posting fri/sat to mention the results of my medical search I am going to leave things for a week or maybe 2. Let my mind get those things that have upset me this year clear (or relatively so) in my mind.
For all I know the only person reading this is my best friend but hey its all good therapy!
Monday 28 February 2011
Saturday 26 February 2011
27/2/2011
Today has been so weird.
I watched the super 15 rugby then the 6 nations rugby all on TV obviously lol. I then decided that now I had put my social works file in page order I needed to separate what was relevant and what wasn't into 2 separate files. There is a lot of admin stuff in it that has no real relevance to my life then or now. That doesn't mean the financial side of things didn't/doesn't matter of course it did/does and I will always be gratefull to those that provided it and those that helped me through my younger years when they didn't have to. However it doesn't effect the way my mind is now.
Right now I feel like I'm being torn apart! I keep going over my files and re-reading everything I can find about myself during those formative years when I lost contact with Ian @ Lorna and when I became the person I now am.
I've always said to anyone that asked that if I could go back in time I'd do everything the same way so I became the same person I am now. Reasoning that I liked me the way I am now and if I did anything different then I would be someone else. After the start to the year I've had I'm no longer sure that's the case!
If that were the case I doubt I'd have this passion for my past for finding out what happened and what messed my head up so much. It is messed up see, I continue to go over and over these files knowing that each time what I read will destroy a wee bit more of me and I still can't help doing it.
Tonight I spent over 5 hours going over them again and prob 7 hours crying like a big kid because I didn't like what I read.
I need to stop this cycle and either do something more positive or just give it up and try and get my head to a better place.
I watched the super 15 rugby then the 6 nations rugby all on TV obviously lol. I then decided that now I had put my social works file in page order I needed to separate what was relevant and what wasn't into 2 separate files. There is a lot of admin stuff in it that has no real relevance to my life then or now. That doesn't mean the financial side of things didn't/doesn't matter of course it did/does and I will always be gratefull to those that provided it and those that helped me through my younger years when they didn't have to. However it doesn't effect the way my mind is now.
Right now I feel like I'm being torn apart! I keep going over my files and re-reading everything I can find about myself during those formative years when I lost contact with Ian @ Lorna and when I became the person I now am.
I've always said to anyone that asked that if I could go back in time I'd do everything the same way so I became the same person I am now. Reasoning that I liked me the way I am now and if I did anything different then I would be someone else. After the start to the year I've had I'm no longer sure that's the case!
If that were the case I doubt I'd have this passion for my past for finding out what happened and what messed my head up so much. It is messed up see, I continue to go over and over these files knowing that each time what I read will destroy a wee bit more of me and I still can't help doing it.
Tonight I spent over 5 hours going over them again and prob 7 hours crying like a big kid because I didn't like what I read.
I need to stop this cycle and either do something more positive or just give it up and try and get my head to a better place.
Thursday 24 February 2011
25/2/2011
Well folks today I contacted my G.P. to see about getting a look at my medical records. Hopefully this will solve the mess in my head about being prescribed a strong anti-physcotic at such a young age.
I have also decided to try and get a look at my educational record, if I'm gonna properly research the past I can't remember then best to do it right eh.
No news about Lorna and Ian as of yet. Still waiting on social services getting back in touch about the relevant legislation so I can try and petition Hollyrood.
I have also decided to try and get a look at my educational record, if I'm gonna properly research the past I can't remember then best to do it right eh.
No news about Lorna and Ian as of yet. Still waiting on social services getting back in touch about the relevant legislation so I can try and petition Hollyrood.
Sunday 13 February 2011
Confused
I'm not sure if anyone reads this or not. If you do could you answer this query I have please.
I have not seen Ian @ Lorna since 17/6/1968! This being the day after my Mum died. At that point they were taken to St Andrews, The James McKenzie Clinic. Along with my other brother Paul. Paul and I were re-united around the 22/6/1968. For which I am eternally gratefull!!!
However My Foster Mother was allowed access to Ian @ Lorna after that sometime between 17/6 @ the beginning of the 1969.
My question is,
Why was she allowed that access when my brother (Paul) and I were refused ever since my mum died any access at all?
Does anyone think was acceptable?
I have not seen Ian @ Lorna since 17/6/1968! This being the day after my Mum died. At that point they were taken to St Andrews, The James McKenzie Clinic. Along with my other brother Paul. Paul and I were re-united around the 22/6/1968. For which I am eternally gratefull!!!
However My Foster Mother was allowed access to Ian @ Lorna after that sometime between 17/6 @ the beginning of the 1969.
My question is,
Why was she allowed that access when my brother (Paul) and I were refused ever since my mum died any access at all?
Does anyone think was acceptable?
Friday 11 February 2011
Abandonment
All my life I have had abandonment issues. Whenever I felt close to someone real close they would leave me, or that's how it felt.
After sorting out the time line in my previous post I can now totally understand why. I mean within 1 day of my mum dying I had lost not only her but the man in her life (not a bad thing) and my 2 brothers and sister.
Perhaps I should think of this as a kind of therapy and use it as such eh.
After sorting out the time line in my previous post I can now totally understand why. I mean within 1 day of my mum dying I had lost not only her but the man in her life (not a bad thing) and my 2 brothers and sister.
Perhaps I should think of this as a kind of therapy and use it as such eh.
Thursday 10 February 2011
Timeline
I was born on the 1/61959.
My Parents seperated dec 1966.
My 1st psychiatric treatment took place 20/2/1967, this was a shock to me as I thought it hadn't happened till 1968. My 1st treatment after this was to be put on a strong tranquiliser I mean come on I was 7yr old.
Parents divorced 20/10/1967, custody was awarded to my mum.
Mum died 16/6/68.
Paul Ian and Lorna were placed in James McKenzie Clinic in St Andrews on 17/6/68.
I was left away from my siblings until 22/6/68.
At that point Paul and I were taken to my Aunt in Somerset.
Lorna and Ian stayed in the James McKenzie Clinic after that I believe up until their adoption/fostering.
Sent to Crossgates Childrens home 6/7/68.
Eventually sent to my foster parents (long term) 23/7/68.
As you can see a huge amount happened in a very short time when we were all so young and vulnerable.
This process has proved useful, it has also brought up several questions that I hope to answer very soon.
My Parents seperated dec 1966.
My 1st psychiatric treatment took place 20/2/1967, this was a shock to me as I thought it hadn't happened till 1968. My 1st treatment after this was to be put on a strong tranquiliser I mean come on I was 7yr old.
Parents divorced 20/10/1967, custody was awarded to my mum.
Mum died 16/6/68.
Paul Ian and Lorna were placed in James McKenzie Clinic in St Andrews on 17/6/68.
I was left away from my siblings until 22/6/68.
At that point Paul and I were taken to my Aunt in Somerset.
Lorna and Ian stayed in the James McKenzie Clinic after that I believe up until their adoption/fostering.
Sent to Crossgates Childrens home 6/7/68.
Eventually sent to my foster parents (long term) 23/7/68.
As you can see a huge amount happened in a very short time when we were all so young and vulnerable.
This process has proved useful, it has also brought up several questions that I hope to answer very soon.
Saturday 5 February 2011
Re-read
I may not post for a day or 2. Going to re-read my social work file. Need to get my head round a few of the issues that have arisen over the last few weeks.
Friday 4 February 2011
nephew
Tonight my nephew told me I needed to get a life and that the sport I liked was gay. Well I ain't gay but the other part is true really. Right now if I knew Ian @ Lorna were OK I could die happy!
That's not me being morbid just at this minute the only thing I have to look forward to is meeting them. Other than that I have NO life. I know that is my own fault but hey just can't change it and not sure I have the right to. Spent to much of my life hurting others and its about time it stopped.
I should also point out that way of feeling is solely about me, no one influenced it or made me feel bad about myself, I can do that all by myself and don't need any help.
That's not me being morbid just at this minute the only thing I have to look forward to is meeting them. Other than that I have NO life. I know that is my own fault but hey just can't change it and not sure I have the right to. Spent to much of my life hurting others and its about time it stopped.
I should also point out that way of feeling is solely about me, no one influenced it or made me feel bad about myself, I can do that all by myself and don't need any help.
Wednesday 2 February 2011
Dying
I have been kinda morbid today and am thinking I will die without seeing the twins and its tearing me up!
Tuesday 1 February 2011
Somerset
Well today as I was reading through the 1995 fostering act a thought arrived.
I was fostered in Somerset straight after my mum died. So I contacted Somerset council then North Somerset council for copies of any info they hold on me.
Then a thought arose if I was fostered there 1st does that change the law as far as getting in touch with Ian @ Lorna? Not sure but am going to look into it.
I was fostered in Somerset straight after my mum died. So I contacted Somerset council then North Somerset council for copies of any info they hold on me.
Then a thought arose if I was fostered there 1st does that change the law as far as getting in touch with Ian @ Lorna? Not sure but am going to look into it.
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