27/2/2011

Today has been so weird.

I watched the super 15 rugby then the 6 nations rugby all on TV obviously lol. I then decided that now I had put my social works file in page order I needed to separate what was relevant and what wasn't into 2 separate files. There is a lot of admin stuff in it that has no real relevance to my life then or now. That doesn't mean the financial side of things didn't/doesn't matter of course it did/does and I will always be gratefull to those that provided it and those that helped me through my younger years when they didn't have to. However it doesn't effect the way my mind is now.

Right now I feel like I'm being torn apart! I keep going over my files and re-reading everything I can find about myself during those formative years when I lost contact with Ian @ Lorna and when I became the person I now am.
I've always said to anyone that asked that if I could go back in time I'd do everything the same way so I became the same person I am now. Reasoning that I liked me the way I am now and if I did anything different then I would be someone else. After the start to the year I've had I'm no longer sure that's the case!
If that were the case I doubt I'd have this passion for my past for finding out what happened and what messed my head up so much. It is messed up see, I continue to go over and over these files knowing that each time what I read will destroy a wee bit more of me and I still can't help doing it.
Tonight I spent over 5 hours going over them again and prob 7 hours crying like a big kid because I didn't like what I read.

I need to stop this cycle and either do something more positive or just give it up and try and get my head to a better place.